Friday, March 5, 1982

Biggest culprit

I got in to discover Elson had locked the Common Room because someone had left it in a state, with chairs upturned and cushions everywhere. He refused to open it until the culprits came forward. Suspicion immediately fell on me and Lee. I felt awful.

The mock for English Paper III was held in C11 from nine until eleven and it was OK, not brilliant, but not bad either. Afterwards everyone hung around in the Youth Area and as we did so, Reg the caretaker pointed an accusing finger at me. “He's one of the biggest culprits; we’ve watched you throwing water, playing football, smashing tiles. . . .” He got quite annoyed. “I resent that” I said to loud laughter from Laxton and Abbot.

In History, I accused him of blaming me for the morning's crime and called him a “doddering old fool” and “a lackey” who “should get back to his sweeping up” but this was because I felt guilty, and what's worse is I know he's being fair. We do vandalise things, mess about, cause trouble. I ended up raving on about my 'inability' to work.

At twelve, me and Lee left school feeling stigmatised and guilty. The weather was spring-like and we got a lift into Easterby from Dad, wandered round second-hand shops and went to the library (got out The Secret Of Meditation by H. U. Rieker), but I felt pissed off and depressed and only later did I brighten up.

I read Rieker all afternoon and evening, Mum sleeping, me quiet, feeling excited at what I was discovering, but also a basic fear of total commitment, a feeling of having too much to give up. But I'm not happy now, and the way things are going I never will be.

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