Friday, August 31, 1984

Drought


In town in the afternoon, at the library. Then I bought a pair of trousers and a suit (£11.70) from Suits Me before coming home with Dad when he got off work at two. He’s still bitter about his dispute at work with a co-worker Frank over who has what weekend off and feels like the bosses always side with Frank. He’s thinking of quitting at Christmas.

At home as I poured over Peter Underwood’s The Ghosts of Borley. I realised how easy it is to be drawn into an obsessive state of mind with regards to this sort of thing. It would be easy to allow it to dominate your life and to become “a crank,” as Lee puts it. Dad, perhaps noticing my sudden interest, said “Don’t get too involved in this or it’ll send you crackers.”

He was joking, but a certain seriousness underpinned the remark. My sudden interest in this has come at an awkward time; I’ve still got stacks of work to do in the remaining five weeks of the vacation—my extended essay of five thousand words to finish, Hegel, Nietzsche and Faulkner to read (although I want to take the Williams Special Subject instead of the latter). I can’t seem to whip up any enthusiasm where University is concerned which, with Mum’s “anything less than a first will be considered a failure” still spinning in my head, is bad news.

The rain streamed down all day which is good news because today it was announced that Easterby has just 23% of its normal water supplies left and that this is dwindling at the rate of 2% a week. This drought is the worst in recorded history and even surpasses the near-legendary summer of ’76.

I’m uneasy again. It’s 1 a.m. and it’s a hot night—76° according to the thermometer on the landing. I’ve been waking up in the early hours of the morning again and resorting to switching on the light for peace of mind—which is really a very silly attitude.

Thursday, August 30, 1984

Newspeak


Lee went back to Watermouth yesterday as the DHSS had promised him his money by Tuesday, but when he got back it hadn’t come.

He phoned me at 6.30 today with some unexpected news: As Alex was in the process of climbing in through a window at the Grey House yesterday, he was stopped by a policeman who searched his room and discovered a skull that someone had taken from the crypts on Smith Square and also the gravestone he’d nicked from a stonemason’s yard when we lived at Jervis Terrace.

Alex was arrested for desecrating a grave along with his friend Tom (who I’ve never met). The latter admitted to smashing a window at Lloyd’s bank and causing £1000 worth of damage. Alex has been charged with acting as an accomplice in this latter crime and he may even serve time. Lee also told me that Sarah has left the squat and is—surprise, surprise—living in Brixton. I felt relieved when I was told all this and from the tone of Lee’s voice I think he was too. Alex will no doubt use the fact that he’s got nicked for desecrating a grave to perpetuate his street cred.

Mum and Dad visited Uncle George’s wife Judy in a Whincliffe hospital tonight. She’s suffering from kidney failure and looks very ill. George naturally is very worried and Judy’s demise won’t lessen his already strange demeanour. For three months he hasn’t missed a day visiting her: he leaves work at five and gets three buses to the hospital, getting home after nine.


The last in the TV series The Paras (complete with jolly whistle-along theme music) made my blood boil but I forced myself to keep my mouth shut. As the programme presenter conceded that the Paras “went a little too far” on Bloody Sunday by shooting 13 unarmed civilians dead, many in the back as they fled, Dad sat there with a blank and unreceptive expression on his face.

His blind glorying in the activities of the British Army sickens and disgusts me and he obviously believes the bilge we are fed on the TV news and in the ‘papers. I know how futile it is to rage and rant but it still frustrates me. “Soldiers are trained to be aggressive ” after all . . .

Likewise with the miner’s strike. Rob says that the miners in Saxton and district are all morons and skivers; he describes his next door neighbor John as a “professional scrounger” who hasn’t worked since Rob and Carol moved there four years ago, but still, in principle I’m on the side of the miners. They’re up against the orchestrated attack of police and media and popular prejudice and it will take a great effort on their part, with much struggle and bitterness, to win this dispute.

When Scargill lets fly accusations of media bias as he did recently at a conference, the individuals who present the news may protest, and I’m sure individually they believe they’re presenting an even handed account of the dispute—The Sun, Express and Daily Mail staff excluded. But this is an organized campaign by a society in which capital holds the reins, a programme by which the state bureaucracy defends what it sees as its interests. It’s reached the situation where these supposed interests don’t even serve other purposes—they’re self-perpetuating and are reinforced by the ideological obedience of the greater mass of people in this country who are inculcated since birth by TV newspeak lies of familycountryworkneverbreakthelaw ethics.

The illusion of free will means that we’re brought up believing we own our own minds when really what we regard as ‘right’ simply serves the interests of the state bureaucracy. The only way to escape is to disbelieve everything you read or hear and to always treat every news item and angle with the utmost cynicism and contempt.

Wednesday, August 29, 1984

Familiar stones


A continuation of yesterday’s inactivity—reading, records and food.

I played Robert at Scrabble before he, Carol and I set off for Easterby and the football. We stopped for a curry at the Bahawal and I tried to communicate to them both my love for Easterby and the familiar stones of my hometown. We dropped Carol off at Egley and went to the match with Dad in his car.

A biggish crowd saw Athletic subdued by a slick Riverside Excelsior side who went on to win 2-1. Highmore scored a superb goal to pull one back, running on to a cross from new boy Frisby (one of Athletic’s best players). The ball must have left Highmore’s head at a tremendous speed and was in the net before the ‘keeper had a chance to move.

Despite the defeat I was in good spirits throughout the match, Dad and I finding cause for great amusement in the dour monotony of an aged fan behind us, his hair greased back over his thin skull, circa 1925. What an array of human types assembled in this one spot, people the like of which you see nowhere else. There were the usual herds of blank-eyed soul boys stumbling to and fro in response to the taunts of the Excelsior fans; they sang “We’ll break your fucking neck, McArdle, McArdle” (Excelsior's best player and goal scorer), to the tune of “We’ll take more care of you,” the British Airways ad.

I got a postcard from Claire this morning. She’s been on holiday with three of her friends in Austria, and she phoned me at teatime to ask if I was doing anything next week when she’s got an evening off.

I still in my heart of hearts weave fantastic conclusions to these occasional meetings.

Tuesday, August 28, 1984

Hissing of summer dark


I caught the 1055 bus to Alverhouse where I met Rob and Carol; they'd just seen Carol’s sister Lynne and niece Melissa onto the bus back to Brynmor.

It was another red hot day, hotter than it was in Watermouth. Both Carol and Mum are learning to drive and Carol drove the car back to Dearnelow, nervous because I was there. She trundled along at a steady 35-40 mph and stalled it just once.

A quiet day passed reading, C. washing in the kitchen, the cats—three years old now—came and went. Robert has enrolled for an M.Ed. course in the teaching of English which begins in October and so he read one of his course books, English As a Discipline of Thought by F. R. Leavis, while I read of Ball, Tzara, Heulsenbeck and co., Zurich 1916.

In the evening we played cribbage and I played Robert the cassettes we’d made at Borley. He told me about the inexplicable uneasiness both he and C. felt on some nights during their fortnight in Calverdale. Neither of them liked to admit their fears to the other. Carol described a sensation of overwhelming sadness and R. recounted how, on some nights as the sun set, they both felt the darkness pressing in on them from all sides. Yet on other nights they felt perfectly at ease . . . The hiss of the tapes brought back to me that awful pregnant silence lurking beyond that heavy wooden door, as if something was there, just beyond the level of human hearing . . .

I feel uneasy. . . .

Monday, August 27, 1984

Haunted audio


I put pen to paper today in an attempt to work which, after countless stops and starts, saw me manage three sides of notes. It was slow progress.

Today was another hot day, a Bank Holiday, and the weather has been like this since I went back to Watermouth. The drought is worse up here. Mum tells me that Mr. Metcalfe who owns the Calverdale caravan told Robert and Carol that he’ll be ruined if the hot weather continues. In Scotland Mum and Dad were told there’s been just three days of rain since March.

I’ve been reading Manuel Grossman’s Dada, Mystification, Paradox and Ambiguity in European Literature. The Dadaists seem without equal for doing as they did in such a way and at such an early date. Lee and I were very keen on researching the life of Arthur Cravan, Dada acolyte and “Poet, Boxer and Deserter of Five Nations” who disappeared in the Gulf of Mexico in 1918. He fought one round with world heavyweight boxing champion Jack Johnstone in 1917 and in the same year scandalised Manhattan by stripping off at a public lecture, causing Duchamp to beam “What a lecture!”

We feel the paucity of written information on this interesting character demands further attention, but as I’ve come across the other actors in this particular saga I realise that to focus on one individual is to miss out on the wealth of humor, interest and total perverse INSANITY of Dada.


Lee called round last night at about nine, bringing with him his dog, a cassette, Borley photos and a book featuring several hauntings in Watermouth. Mum, Nanna P. and Dad listened to the tape on a portable cassette player L. had brought along and seemed fascinated by it all. On side one was audio from haunted squash courts in East Anglia that are built on the site of a WW1 airfield. On the tape you can hear piston engine aircraft and the bustle of a busy wartime hangar, plus footsteps and voices.

Side two is devoted to Borley: the sighs, grunts and squeaks of non-existent doors chilled us all “to the marrow,” as the narrator of the tape put it. Fairly predictably I felt spooked by all of this, especially as the conversation afterwards was about ghosts—the ‘something’ at the window on Poplar Rise the night Mum’s sister Mary was killed in 1946, our collective ‘experience’ at Marston Moor battlefield years ago, on a hot still summer’s day like today, when Mum and Dad and I simultaneously heard the tumult of a great crowd all around us in the air.

Poor Lee was quite rattled by all this and did his best to try and persuade me to go with him back to his house (as his Ma is away for a few days and he’s all alone in the house), but it was too far and I held firm. I felt a bit bad about it later. With all the distractions he forgot all about the reason for his visit in the first place—to borrow a book on WW1 for his essay on Paul Nash.

It’s a warm night, silent and hot apart from the shrill whine of newly hatched insects in the amphibian tanks in my room and the sound of distant traffic.

Sunday, August 26, 1984

Paralysis


Rob went at teatime yesterday and I was up until three a.m. watching a fifteen-hour rock and pop video marathon on TV.

More of the same today, bed, food, sun and TV, boredom too in the afternoon on my own while Nanna P. and Mum and Dad went for a run in the car. It was a typical Sunday afternoon, cricket on TV and a salad. It is going to be Difficult (emphasis intended) doing any work here and I can already sense the paralysis creeping into my brain and body.

Saturday, August 25, 1984

Blithe spirit


We got into Holdsworth Square station at quarter past six this morning. Lee’s mum awaited in her gleaming new estate car and I got a lift onto Moxthorpe roundabout.

Dad got up shortly after I arrived home, looking old and tired I thought. Bags under his eyes. He said he felt “bitter and twisted” over some hassle at work about rotas, which meant he had to go in at 11.30 and so would miss Athletic’s match; he launched into tales of Scotland (he and Mum just got back) which I let wash over me I was so tired.

I went to sleep at about eight and got up again midday. Robert had arrived, Nanna P. and Mum were up . . . More tales of Scotland from Mum although N.P. was uncharacteristically pensive. She says the doctors have informed her that her thyroid gland is not working properly.

The match began at three. R. and I got to Cardigan Park early to find sparse crowds lounging in the sun waiting for the gates to open, and so we went for a swift drink in the Hanson Arms on Lockley Lane which was jammed full of men of the tap room lad variety, all of a sameness, for there was a stripper . . . A ‘busty beauty’ bared her tits on stage, blithely wandering around stripped to the waist and announced that there’d be two new girls who we’d never seen before on stage in ten minutes.

R. and I hastily downed our drinks and left, not wishing to witness the terrible scenes. As we did so our compere rebuffed saucy comments from the audience. This all seemed somehow typically Northern.

The match was entertaining, Athletic cruising to an easy 4-0 win over Pelby in the bright sunshine, and if they’d maintained their early dominance could have won by six or seven.

Back in the privet lined stillness of Egley I showed Robert the letters of Mrs. Coldman-Hicks, madwoman of Maynard Gardens, which I’ve brought up with me. He and Mum thought them amusing/sad/creepy by turns. R. also seemed fascinated by my accounts of Borley.

I’ve tried ringing Lindsey to get the number of the bus company but, equally infuriating, the ‘phone at Westdorgan Road is on the blink again.

Friday, August 24, 1984

Red eye


Lee and I caught the overnight bus back to Easterby.

Pete came to the station with us. He is off to America in a couple of weeks. It was odd seeing him, knowing that he will be gone and I won’t be seeing him again for a year. He says half in jest that he’ll send me earth and rocks as relics of Lowell, Mass.

The journey has been routine, marred only by the sickening realisation that I’ve left my overcoat—my new £8 one—behind in the bus station. Lee and I were gooning about and it had never even entered my mind to check whether I had it or not. Felt completely sickened all journey, although the tedium and fatigue of the hours on the coach has helped subdue this a little bit. But it's cast a long shadow over my mind and all I've been able to think is “if only . . .”

Lee has been asleep for much of the journey and I've dozed off a couple of times too but find it impossible to sleep.

Thursday, August 23, 1984

Dole


Stu came down with me in the morning to sign on and he and I bumped into Guy in town.

We met Lindsey and Mo in the Frigate at one; Mo was all tanned and smiling, just back from France.

Wednesday, August 22, 1984

Traffic


The roar of the traffic woke me around dinnertime.

I walked wearily about town with Lee; we changed the second floor electricity account at Maynard Gardens into our names and asked after our Borley tape at the offices of Radio Watermouth.

Lee bought an excellent waterproof jacket at a Charity shop.

Tuesday, August 21, 1984

Shadowed night


I called in on Lee at the squat.

He seemed glad to see me—it’s been six days since we last had contact. He’s nearly finished writing up his essay in rough. He showed me mirror writing à la Leonardo and said he’s been spending hours practicing, getting very bored at nights and walking to the Marina in the early hours of the morning with nothing but moths and lacewings for company.

Earlier I bought my coach ticket and joined Watermouth Public Library. I only intended dropping in on Lee so he could cut my hair, but I ended up staying all night, kipping on the floor for a couple of hours while he worked.

We walked to the Marina, which is a part of Watermouth I’ve never visited before. It was stark and concrete in the shadowed night, the foot level lights throwing up enormous shadows as we walked. The sea was illuminated by spot lamps and took on a turquoise radiance, a featureless liquid blue fog in which seagulls bobbed incongruously.

We went to the very tip of one of the Marina’s encircling concrete ‘arms’ and sat at the foot of its red flashing lamp, gazing out to sea and talking about how good it would be to own a boat. We were moved on by two security men. Lee took a picture of me standing beneath the glare of a sodium street lamp. We wandered back and paused at the all-night café for breakfast.

Monday, August 20, 1984

To become more


I rang home over the weekend and spoke to Mum and Robert.

Everyone had just got back from their respective holidays. I told Mum I was coming home on Saturday for a fortnight or so. Robert and I talked about Easterby Athletic. I’m not really looking forward to going home. I know exactly what I will do and how it will be, all the “sweaty apathy and daydreams” described above—depressingly familiar.

On the other hand, I find the idea of a change of circumstance refreshing . . . I’ve said it before, but I need saving from myself—more so now than ever, because the older I get the more I’m aware of time slipping away. If this sounds ridiculous coming from someone just one month into his twenty-first year and who, to all intents and purposes, has all the time in the world . . . but that’s just it—I don’t have ‘all the time in the world.’

Soon I’ll be 22, then 25 and in no time at all 30 and unable to believe it (like Robert). I see no way out of my present state.

The thought of defeat fills me with real dread. I suppose like Hazlitt says youth believes itself to be immortal. Well, I hold to a belief and a certainty that I’ll succeed as far as my own satisfaction is concerned. This is never voiced in so many words but I think it remains true. I can write, but too often the fancy phrases and important words conceal an emptiness, a vacuum, at their centre. All the tools are there but the purpose (and so the meaning) is missing.

I say I want this narrative “to become more” but I haven’t mastered it in its present form yet!

Sunday, August 19, 1984

Fundamental flaw


To my dismay I’ve found out how easy it is to slip into that lethargic put-it-off-until-tomorrow attitude no matter where I am; I’d thought this particular characteristic was a by-product of the easygoing isolation of my life at home.

But no, it seems to be a fundamental flaw in me. My secret plan has been to look around the rental agencies for a few bedsits ane maybe even go and view one or two before I make the commitment to move back into Maynard Gardens, but perhaps living alone would be a mistake.

I’m self-defeating, and maybe on reflection I’m not ready for the self-discipline a solitary existence would entail. I can foresee a gradual decline into sweaty apathy, daydreams and a sort of frantic frustration with my idle self.

Saturday, August 18, 1984

Soul mates


Saturday has come and gone and I've hardly left the house, content instead to slump in front of the TV most of the day or to continue reading Colin Wilson, picking up where I left off weeks ago.

I’ve lived on a diet of sausages, soup and tea—cup after cup of it. I’ve watched In The Heat of the Night, Airport, the film version of The Likely Lads, a documentary about still born babies. . . .

I’ve deliberately avoided going round to see Lee as he has eleven days left to finish his two essays. I haven’t seen or heard from him since Wednesday afternoon. Lindsey has been away all weekend with her family and Susie has gone up to Leicester to visit Conrad’s parents, so I’ve been left to my own devices.

Laziness and its soul mate Boredom are my biggest enemies.

Friday, August 17, 1984

Hot under my skin


My condemnation of Gav and Alex and their ilk seems, on reflection, a little like the pot calling the kettle black.

In the white heat of contempt I don’t pause to look at my own failed bargains with myself. I promise myself so much and reward myself with so little. At least Gav uses every free moment he’s got. I don’t.

I paid the rent today, which was five days late. The landlord phoned us up in case we’d forgotten. So after handing over our money at Botham Street, I walked into town via White Deer Park. On Midden Road I saw a large blue-green dragonfly. This surprised me because to my knowledge, there aren’t any stretches of open water nearby and the area is quite urban.

Then, as I walked along Queen’s Road, a young woman rushed from a house across the street ringing her hands and in a state of agitation, shouting about “the dirty revolting working classes, they make me hot under my skin.” She passed me and ran off down a side road still shouting, beginning a tirade against “dirty fat women” which was lost to me as she disappeared from view.

No one seemed to take much notice.


Watermouth seems to have a large population of grotesques, derelicts and just plain nutters. You see them occasionally in the Cathedral grounds or pacing the pavements around Maynard Gardens.

When Jeremy was down I remember this: as he, Lee and I walked back from the pier, a young woman ahead of us with black hair, her face a ghastly orange beneath the street lamps, and carrying two heavily laden plastic bags, started shouting and cursing (“fucking-this,” “fucking-that,” etc.) at the passing cars and people. The last we saw of her she was squatting on her haunches on the traffic island at the bottom of Andrew St. with her trousers round her knees, calmly taking a shit, oblivious to all but herself.

Then there’s the young long-haired man in trench coat, woolly cap and kickers who’s always deeply engrossed in conversation with himself or some invisible friend, gesticulating with his arms, jabbing a finger to emphasise a point, and speaking in a rapid nasal voice so unintelligible that it sounds like complete gibberish. Sometimes he carries a newspaper and unfolds it, holding it up to show his nonexistent companion some feature of interest or importance.

Or there’s the old lady on the pavement near the Pembroke, she of the muscular, active outdoor variety with a bird like urgency of gait and bright gleaming eyes. The other day I saw her standing at the side of the road with a piece of pink toilet paper in her hand, thrusting it at the approaching traffic with a look of insolent determination on her face and going through the motions of wiping her arse.

The house has been empty most of the day; Lindsey’s at work, at the Admiral. Susie has gone out this evening with Conrad and the rest of Atom Dance Eight. I’ve been watching TV all day.

I was disturbed late on by a blazing row next door between husband and wife, she screaming that “you can’t tell me what to fuckin’ do!” while the kids sobbed and shouted for them to stop.

Thursday, August 16, 1984

Just wait!


The situation at Maynard Gardens persists, and although I’m about to move back in there, my doubts remain.

It’s basically becoming a free house for the shaved weirds Alex considers friends, and Gav is being drawn increasingly into their circle; he now sports a shitty mohican, and when Lee and I object to Alex’s mess or the filth of the ground floor, Gav comes out with liberal sentiments . . . “you don’t have to go into his room,” etc.

Alex has scrapped his move to Amsterdam—which was the only reason Pete and Lee let him move in in the first place, knowing that if he'd been in on Maynard Gardens from the start it would have quickly deteriorated into a Vicarage situation. Sarah lives at Maynard Gardens too now, along with an arrogant twat called Andy who has an insolent and haughty air. Another shaven headed friend of Gav’s has moved in as well, and when they’re all in the kitchen it looks like Auschwitz.

Gav’s room is awash with pebbles, lolly sticks and letraset. “I have been so abused” is painted on the wall.

We have been so amused—and annoyed—by your pseudery, your useless ideas and liberal ideals, your flirtation with all things Eastern, the Buddha, and Japanese symbols, your low level tables and ‘performance art’ sincerities . . .

Punk Habitat –– Mindless Pretence!

I detest them all.


So in a way, although I’m doubtful about moving back in, I want to, simply for reasons of gut indignation. I don’t want to let Maynard Gardens become another “anarchist squat.” Lee and I are talking about rehanging a door at the foot of the stairs leading to the second floor, thereby sealing it off entirely.

All of this is bound to get to me eventually, so there’s some trepidation when I think about the future and the bleak winter months plagued in that place.

Barry rang this morning from his Dad’s restaurant in Debdenshaw. He and Ade seem committed to leaving the band, and B. considers their demo’ tape terrible. He is embarrassed by it, he says, and the more people he meets the more it is impressed upon him how crap Jason’s singing is.

And today Susie tells me Jason is going around with a copy of the demo tape in his pocket, getting angry at other bands and prophetically shouting, “Just wait . . ! “ 

The miner’s strike is now in its fifth month. I’ve scarcely mentioned the industrial troubles of this summer and spring, but that’s not because I’m ignoring them. I usually buy a copy of the Times to keep up.

Today, three thousand pickets tried to stop two Yorkshire miners from breaking the strike. Big battles with police result. There seems to be evidence of a very small trickle back to work. In Scotland, 105 miners reported for work, five more than yesterday. If the strike breaks now & the men start to go back then the entire dispute will have been lost. On Sunday, a demonstrator was killed by a plastic bullet as the RUC tried unsuccessfully to detain Noraid organizer Martin Galvin. Although they waded into the peaceful crowds with batons he managed to escape.

Life hasn’t been too gripping since I came back from Borley, and since then I’ve done little but mooch about here or wander around town, at a loss at what to do with myself. I suppose if I really applied myself I could go on holiday, to Europe at least, but something (dread familiarity) tells me I’ll stay here until my course over and done with.

I can’t wait until that day.

Wednesday, August 15, 1984

Flesh pots


I went round town yet again today, and Lee bought an excellent pair of shoes for a tenner. I cursed my spade-like feet that condemn me to none but the widest of shoes.

I tried to buy my way out of depression and no direction by spending £20, getting Troutmask Replica by Captain Beefheart, a couple of ‘60s singles by Arthur Brown and The Yardbirds, and some food. I’m OK for money at the moment, but Lee is overdrawn because he hasn’t had any dole monies for six weeks since he signed on at the end of June.

He has to write two 1600-word essays by the end of this month or he says he’ll be thrown off his course. Ian has to write three, and hadn’t started any of them by the time he left for Morocco. He said he’d write them while on holiday but I can’t see him writing essays in the fleshpots of Marrakech. Gav hasn’t started on his two either.

Tuesday, August 14, 1984

Gloomy


Michael went back to Easterby this morning. I didn’t see him before he left. I was sad, as I’d got to know him this visit and I like him. Both Lee and I felt very let down now that Jeremy and Michael have gone.

Very gloomy, everything an anticlimax.

 I met Lindsey in town again, at Livingstone’s where Susie works waitressing, serving meals to a predominantly elderly clientele, although yesterday was her last day. Jeremy and Lee came round in the afternoon, and J. left on the 9.05 p.m. overnight bus; he's getting into Easterby at quarter-to-six tomorrow morning.

Monday, August 13, 1984

Whispering


Jeremy, Michael, Lee and I took the tape with the whispering on it to Radio Watermouth who have an office adjacent to the Cathedral. We asked them if they could possibly enhance it—Lee and Jeremy suspect it is radio interference, and I want to know for sure either way.

At first the receptionist said, “we don’t run a service,” but when we said it had been taped inside a locked church she sounded interested and finally agreed to take the cassette and took our addresses, etc.

I played the tape for Lindsey and Susie and they were unnerved.

Sunday, August 12, 1984

Insect rasp


Since I’ve come back I’ve been more nervous at nights than I was before.

I woke up at 4 or 5 a.m., sweating fearfully in the grey dark. Then I heard a strange noise, a rhythmic insect rasp, and I turned my room upside down trying to find the cause.

Saturday, August 11, 1984

Fumblemouth


When I got back to Westdorgan Road this morning, Stu had gone home; I’d wanted to continue the Third Reich board game we’d started just before I left; we’d reached Autumn 1941, the Germans had conquered France and were smashing Russia . . .

Tonight I went out with Lindsey to the Frigate, the Seven Sisters & The Shelter Club, where we met J. Turney, Marty Dunsden and K. Bennett.

Fumblemouth me felt out of it.

Friday, August 10, 1984

When vital heat shall leave thy frame!


At nine o’clock last night we let the tapes roll, and Lee immediately heard all sorts of clunks and knocks from inside the church. There wasn’t anyone about, because we checked this countless times, and at 10.16 Lee heard what he described as “a whispered prayer.”

When he said this my blood froze.

He played it for Jeremy who listened through the headphones and reacted with obvious disbelief and alarm. I refused the offer to listen and cursed my own pounding heart as I burrowed down into my sleeping bag.

At half-ten we had to cut the recording short because a couple of carloads of taproom lads and their girls rolled noisily up to investigate us: “Are you college freaks?” “Are you weird?” “I think you’re nutters; you should see someone . . .” and so on . . . Lee played them the tape of the whisper and I heard it for the first time, a barely audible but unmistakably human voice whispering with reverence. What was being said I couldn’t tell.

You could’ve heard the proverbial pin drop it was so quiet, and our dozen guests were spellbound. “What d’you reckon?” one of the lads asked his friend. “I don’t know but I don’t like it.” The girls were scared and thought us strange, we could tell, and they wanted to go, which they did a few minutes later.

Lee soon fell asleep, then Jeremy, and finally me, but I woke up at about three to find Michael crouched over the tape machine, headphones on. There was nothing but the crackle of static which he said sounded frightening, as though the crackling hid something silent, something obstinately refusing to show itself. I disliked listening in on the ‘phones, because even with the others awake, I felt isolated; it was just me and the pregnant hiss of the empty (?) church.


Now here’s the coincidence. The piece of glass Lee found yesterday had 444 imprinted on its surface, and a few months ago when Lee was messing about with a Ouija board he kept ‘getting’ the number 444. I did too when I joined in. And when the whispering voice spoke out through the hiss, the tape counter read 444. Lee only realised this coincidence as we talked to the assembled soul patrol on the porch, and he said it chilled him as much as it had those of us who listened.

And there’s more—Borley Rectory was demolished in 1944, in April, the fourth month: 4/44 – Is this pushing things too far? Is it ‘merely’ a coincidence? Is the Ouija board a limited method of predicting the future in some way? I don’t believe it’s a way of getting in touch with dead souls, but I think if there’s any value to it at all (and I’m inclined to doubt this, because it’s difficult to tell if someone is consciously or unconsciously moving the planchette), then perhaps it’s as a method of dredging the subconscious mind for intimations of future events. Idle speculation, but probably as wrong as wrong can be.

The cassette player was still plagued by static, so we could only assume that the night in the open had caused it to get damp and fucked the electrics somewhat. We didn’t get much else and dropped off to sleep until Mrs. Proudfoot came to unlock the door. She asked us if we’d got anything and we told her of the whispering, and she seemed taken aback and said she’s the one who cleans the church. She sounded nervous, probably because we’d always answered in the negative when she’d asked us if we’d got anything before.

We idled the rest of the day away on a patch of grass in front of the church in the town square, watching the punk-hippies strumming their guitars and sitting about doing their bored youth bit. I dislike Sudbury for its aggressive and unfriendly air. It’s full of kids and teenagers . . . Poor Michael looked sicker that ever.

We spent the journey back engrossed in talk of ghosts etc., and got to Watermouth at midnight. Michael, Jeremy and I are staying the night in Pete’s old room at Maynard Gardens.

Thursday, August 9, 1984

444


After we ate last night we caught a taxi back to Borley. It must have been fairly obvious what we were up to and as the cab driver unloaded our bags he asked us with a smirk what we were doing.

We didn’t give him the satisfaction of an answer.

The wooden gate to the church creaked as we opened it and we crunched hesitantly up the path. Every sigh of wind in the branches sent my heart racing. We’d missed Mrs. Proudfoot; the church was locked and silent and so we settled ourselves on the grass at the back of the building.

A triangle of glass was missing from the leaded lights adjacent to the Waldegrave tomb, so Lee taped the microphone to the leg of his tripod and pushed it through the gap, resting it on a ledge on the tomb so that it was pointing towards the door. This was at three minutes past midnight, and exactly thirty minutes later we recorded a very loud bang—“like a desk lid being dropped” said Lee—followed by a noise like the dropping of tin tacks or the rustle of paper.

We also captured numerous other noises. One in particular, that sounded like the ‘tock’ of a grandfather clock, we heard repeatedly. Another noise was reminiscent of a bottle or jug full of liquid being set down. For the next four hours we took turns at listening through the headphones to the hiss of the tape in the empty church. We fell asleep at about half four as the sky turned from black to grey and then to blue.

I woke up feeling shattered, a new day to be faced with weariness. The sun shone from a clear sky, but I just wanted a warm clean bed to sleep in. Michael looked terrible; half dead, grey like a corpse, huddled on the grass in his grubby overcoat, hands in pockets, his sunken cheeks drained of colour. All he needed was an empty cider bottle beside his prostrate form and the scene would’ve been complete.


We hid our things beneath a tree and set off for Sudbury and a meal at the Casa André and a trek round the town buying provisions. We were overcome by weariness but trailed back to Borley via Brundon and the ex-railway line to find a slight dark-haired man holding court to a dozen or so people in the church, telling them in a documentary style voice of the legend, and reeling off dates and names with textbook thoroughness.

He introduced himself to us—he was a self-proclaimed “Borley researcher,” Richard Vandendale—and told us he had a letter in his pocket that gave him permission to visit the Rectory site itself. Would we like to come along?

We followed him across the road to the Cottage and he was gone a long time. Eventually he came breathlessly back to tell us that the owner of the house would give us a look at “the last surviving relics of Borley Rectory” if we’d donate £1.00 to the church funds. Jeremy reluctantly coughed up, and we trooped next door to the back of the bungalow where an elderly man in shorts greeted us.

“The gateposts of Borley Rectory” he announced, pointing to two tall wooden posts leaning (and almost pushing over) his prefab garage. And sure enough, there they were. Mr. Vandendale confirmed this, comparing them with a photograph he had which showed the Rectory drive way, gate posts in situ. They stood against the garage wall—enormous, weathered, split and green with age, like two religious relics.

Mr. V. enthused about them and rattled on to our host: “Oh, they’re marvelous!” etc. Michael muttered disbelievingly under his breath about the lunacy of paying £1 to see “two sticks” as he put it, and I almost agreed, but on reflection it was worth it. Our host was amused at Mr. V.’s glee and was full of smiling criticism of Harry Price. “He should’ve been shot.”


He told us that he was planning on selling the gateposts to an American who’d been so enthralled that he’d hardly been able to tear himself away. How he plans on taking them to America I don’t know for they must be all of ten, twelve feet high and weigh several hundred pounds. Our host seemed interested in Mr. V.’s photographs, and so while they talked we waited in the road.

We had our permission to visit the site of the Rectory. There’s now nothing to be seen of the enormous building that once stood here and the site is smooth and green and covered in part by fruit trees. A wall crosses the grass (not contemporary with the Rectory apparently), and at the back of this are garages and outbuildings. The Rectory garden has been swallowed up by the gardens of the bungalows which have been built down the road, although a portion of the Nun’s Walk is still in existence in the orchard.

Mr. V. set about determining exactly where the Rectory stood and wandered to and fro across the grass, clearly in his element, but I grew bored and so returned to the church. Lee stayed, and grubbed about in the dirt at the foot of a tree discovering fragments of Victorian pottery, a window sash cord, and a small piece of ornate glass with the numbers 444 embossed on the surface.

There were several people visiting the church and they all seemed very interested in what we were doing. We played them the loud bang we’d recorded the previous night, and I saw them jump at the suddenness of the sound. Mrs. Proudfoot turned up, and Mr. Vandendale ensnared her with a guidebook sermon, but she seemed interested. She told us that a relative of hers used to sit on the church council and attend meetings in the Blue Room at the Rectory.

We unfurled our yards of cable and placed the microphone on the altar, directly in front of the crucifix – “is nothing sacred?” bitched an indignant visitor—and we felt like saying, “not to science, no.” The mike seemed to challenge whatever it is (if anything) that inhabits the church, and to parody the crucifix on the altar. Mrs. Proudfoot locked the door and we were all set. We invited Mr. V. to stay with us but he refused, saying he’d paid £9.50 for a bed in Sudbury and wasn’t about to waste it.

So we’ve settled down in our sleeping bags in the porch to await the dark.

Wednesday, August 8, 1984

Darkening


We departed for Borley this morning. It was a chaotic beginning; we missed our coach to London by a matter of minutes with the result that we also missed our connecting services, so we had a two-hour wait at Victoria coach station.

The weather deteriorated as we drove into Essex and the coach splashed through a cloudburst near Rivenhall. We reached Sudbury at half-past seven. We lugged our bags through deserted market town streets and across the fields towards Borley, following the course of a now long gone railway line.

Lee had brought along a cassette he’s just bought from Croom-Hollingsworth, an amateur aficionado of the Borley legend, who recorded it at the Church. We listened to this as the sun sank red and bloated to the horizon. On the tape is the clunk of latches, the creaking open of nonexistent doors, unidentifiable bangs, whirs and clicks and, most chilling of all, two unmistakably human sighs. A team of TV investigators also spent a night in the Church and they saw lights in the chancel that changed shape as they began to approach them. An object—never found—was flung at them, too.

It was getting dark as we trudged the road to the church, our heads full of the spirit of the place (no pun intended). I was more apprehensive than last time and as we hurried through the fast darkening trees to the porch, my senses were on full alert, my eyes darting to and fro from shadow to shadow. The thin metallic noises of bats echoed through the air as they fluttered around and around the church between the yews.

The usual carload of local youth arrived for their noisy nighttime thrills so we left & have walked back to Sudbury for food. . . .

Tuesday, August 7, 1984

Delay


Lee, Jeremy, Michael Pugh and I planned on leaving for Borley today, but the usual disorganization means we’re not very prepared. We’re going tomorrow instead.

Monday, August 6, 1984

Fells


Mum and Dad went to Calverdale with Rob and Carol yesterday and today they’ll be striding the fells. I might go home next weekend as they’re off to Scotland, so I can get my extended essay started.

Sunday, August 5, 1984

Party piece


I met Lee and Jeremy at Maynard Gardens in the evening.

Lee’s mate Michael Pugh from Easterby is in Watermouth for a while. He just turned up unexpectedly this afternoon and so I took my sleeping bag round for him. Stu came along too and we went to the pier.

Michael doesn’t say much, and just seems to hover on the periphery of whatever’s happening, smoking or smiling with a sunken-cheeked look. The story is that the boredom & frustration of his Graphics course in Madaston has reduced him to eating dog ends and downing pints of piss for money as a ‘party piece.’

He and Lee got friendly during the Foundation course in Easterby (’82-’83), reading about Dada and doing ‘Art Volé’ stunts together (i.e. break ins at derelict factories). Michael had long hair then; now it’s short and greasy & hangs lank across his forehead. Perhaps he’ll come to Borley with us?

Lee, Jeremy and I are planning on going back next Tuesday. We’re taking £300-worth of sensitive recording equipment with us that we’ve borrowed from the Art College.

Saturday, August 4, 1984

x and y


I went into town with Lindsey and we wandered about the shops doing nothing in particular, Up Ledwell Street we bumped into Shelley and her younger brother Tim; they’re off to Greece this summer. Shelley has moved house again; she is living with David and co.

Lindsey holds a low opinion of Shelley's friends (“she seems to enjoy demeaning herself in front of them, acting like a little girl. It’s sickening”). We didn’t stay in their company long and I bought a bottle of Mosel wine and we went to the pier; while I got drunk, Lindsey went off to work at the Admiral and I came back to Westdorgan Road and slept off my muzzy-headedness for a couple of hours.

I’ve done nothing with myself the past few days, and increasingly I sense time slipping away from me. A month has gone by and I’ve achieved little. The plans I laid down towards the end of last term have been defeated by simple aimlessness, not through any lack of money or impracticality. My life lacks substance.

I like to blame this on living here, but that’s been my (inadequate) defence ever since the Jervis Terrace days. Now I feel I’ve even a less grasp of the essentials than I had back then. Something eludes me, and nowadays I don’t even have a very clear idea of what it is I’m doing wrong or ways that I could improve the situation.

Words! What little they actually tell.

All this sounds alien when I reread it, mainly because I’m so unused to writing about or thinking about myself lately. This journal is filled with talk of others: “x and y went so and so, did this or that . . . I spent the day with z,” etc. . . .

I hardly ever read nowadays.

Friday, August 3, 1984

Why are you doing this?


Jeremy and Lee came round to Westdorgan Road last night and we went to the pub’.

On the way I had to help a small, balding, bespectacled man to his house on Jervis Court. He was very very drunk, and slurred to me about how grateful he was. I don’t think he believed my interest in him to be simple neighbourliness at first. “Why are you doing this?” he kept asking, and I had to unlock his door for him and see him safely inside. He wanted to see me again and asked where he could meet me. Perhaps it was gratitude plain and simple, but I was filled with with the cancer of suspicion and gave him a vague answer.

Jeremy and Lee stayed until three a.m. watching the Olympics and a ridiculous Ken Russell film based on the life of Tchaikovsky.

I rose from my sweaty sheets at one today and Stu and I have spent the afternoon puzzling over the mechanics of The Third Reich, a ‘historical simulation’ war game. It's now nightfall and we’ve both grasped the rules sufficiently to feel confident enough to be able to play.

Thursday, August 2, 1984

Deluge


Jeremy arrived in Watermouth at ten o’clock last night.

Lee was there to meet him but I went instead to the Green Man on Philip Street where I met Barry, Raven, Guy, and Kamran. I’d only intended having a couple of drinks at most, but ended up drunk and at the L.A. I didn’t get back to Maynard Gardens until well gone midnight.

Lee and Jeremy weren’t up, and I slept in my old bathroom-cum-bedroom.

We all went down to the pier this afternoon to show Jeremy the grotesqueries of Watermouth’s summer side; e.g. the stripper game—if you shoot the target enough times with a toy rifle the dummy’s clothes hinge open to reveal a spectacularly hairless body. Everything was very badly made and full of sexual innuendo, which he found amusing. We had a drink at the bar at the end of the pier.

The sea was quite rough and heaved its green bulk against the shore in a deluge of foam.

Wednesday, August 1, 1984

Penniless


Lee called round to do his washing—he’s penniless as his dole cheque hasn’t come. Jeremy is due to visit tonight . . .
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