Friday, October 15, 1982

Pseudo desire

I got another letter from Claire today: I sent her one yesterday. I really wish I could write long letters full of so much like those in As Ever.

I’m slipping behind with work. I have an essay on Philosophy and a several hundred page Fenimore Cooper novel to complete for the beginning of next week, but of course I’ve just passed the last several hours in the kitchen. . . .

I first thought Susie was sharp and hard, but I've revised my opinion: behind the initial impression she's much nicer and more friendly. We talked about art, and she asked me about my ‘A’ level course, my paintings, etc.

As humans we should experience as much and as many sensations as we can and try different things. Only then can we speak with authority. We have so much potential for doing and feeling that it’s a waste so many people go through their lives never deviating from a narrow path. But is this argument, this pseudo desire to explore ‘the boundaries of human perception’ just a front to hide my weakness, and my need to be ‘in’ with people? Do I have the strength of character and conviction to hold firm to one particular line of action?

Why do I vacillate so pathetically? I don’t know what I am or what to do!

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