Decisive

I had an appointment in the morning with the doctor about my right ear, which has been blocked since Saturday. The doctor sent me away with instructions to use ear drops; I went home and did some sketches for art before strolling in to school at a quarter-to-twelve. It was clear and sunny but bitterly cold.

I was greeted by anticipatory smiles; Slicer had absolutely roasted Jeremy for missing her lesson and I listened with a sickening feeling as I was told how she had threatened to take things further. I put on a brave face, and pretended I'd say something about her hapless teaching. I'd stand up to her!

When I finally saw her she was angry but she ended on a cold and resigned note, and even looked near to tears. She said the fault was as much hers as ours, that the lessons were turgid, and that she felt she wasn’t coping, etc. . . . “I think the first half-term was a disaster and we’d better start again.” She still seemed angry but it turned into more of a discussion about the drawbacks of English literature.

When I got back to the common room Claire seemed utterly remote. I felt so helpless.

The day ended in typical boredom and after Art, me and Lee tried to analyse our lethargy. We seem to be the only ones thinking on these lines. Are we just searching for excuses for our laziness? Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and feel so deadened by school work that I even wonder if there’s something wrong with me, but really I’m just a slob. Half-resolutions to turn over a new leaf--I have to change somehow and need a big new decisive change to get my mind and my body out of this huge rut I'm in, something as trivial as lopping off my hair, anything . . . I don't know. But it has all got to change, and soon.

Princess Diana is expecting a kid already. He didn’t waste much time. Royal battery hens, baby machines, etc.

The way I am

I was late into school yet again. Hirst is still away so I was free most of the morning, which I spent in the common room arguing with Duncan about the police or something or other. For once I was glad I got across something forcefully and without whingeing. I recall hearing Claire back me up. I’m always ashamed of airing my views.

In the afternoon Jeremy and I went to my house for the second launch of the Shuttle. Claire and Evelyn came along too, and how happy I was, crunching through all the leaves, talking to her! The Shuttle was a GO for launch, but as the tension rose, there was a hold at T-31 seconds which dragged on and became permanent. No launch, the same despairing feeling as last April, a big-let down. We sat about for another half-an-hour or so before going back to school in time for last lesson, General Studies.

After school I felt reflective and heart-sick. I haven’t a clue what to do or anything about Claire; I sat in History this morning and just looked at her and hated how quickly time flies by, how soon the weeks rush past. Now I won’t see her again until next Monday. I always look to the sad side of things even when I’m happy. That seems to be the way I am.

Later, I went and watched Athletic beat Ryburn United 2-0 in the worst match I’ve seen this season. Athletic’s goals culminated half-an-hour of fierce attacking football, but after this the rest of the match was lifeless and dull, with Ryburn outplaying Athletic for long periods. Scarborough was brilliant though, crunching into defenders with frequent tackles. Dad picked me up on his way home from work.

Mad

English first lesson was cancelled because Hirst was away. History was boring (we copied down dictated notes), and the third lesson I spent idly in the common room with Deborah and Tommy. The claustrophobia started to get to me and I ended up feeling typically frustrated and bitter, so I went for a walk up around Gilthwaite and through the horrific council suburbs there, pretending I was going mad.

Giles’s lesson was private study, so I helped Deborah with her essay for Hirst and then talked to Claire, which was the most enjoyable feature of the whole day. Duncan continues with his jibes but I don’t care. I prefer her company above anyone’s.

After school, Lee and I played chess and then we walked down to Art which was a trial because I hadn’t done my preparation over the holiday; things were lightened only by the discovery of some contact prints of Mrs. Blakeborough naked on a bed. I walked home in blustery blackness, hating myself. I never work anymore!

I just don't know!

Remorseless

Back to the old routine. No remorse. I was glad to see Claire but had to endure lots of insinuations from Duncan throughout the day, all stemming from last Wednesday’s theatre trip. I felt like saying I wished it was all true.

I struggle with the same old boredom and lack of capabilities, no forcefulness in argument, etc. How can I hope to be a convincing and committed anarchist when I’m so wishy-washy?

Reaction

November came in in fine old style with high winds, steely grey skies and rain. I read about US authoritarianism in Latin America all morning, the pathological hatred and fear of communism that makes them support anti-communist opponents at all costs, even when those opponents are military dictators and fascists. It made me really angry and frustrated.

The weather began to clear just before one and got bright, winds still gale-force and I set off to  the Film Theatre feeling happy. I had to wait for the lunchtime session to finish before I could get my steward’s badge, torch and reaction sheets.

I was steward through three films: Tapdancin’, The Stuntman, and in place of La Ronde, Gregory’s Girl again. The theatre was empty compared to yesterday although it did fill up for The Stuntman,  but I watched the last film of the afternoon with about twenty others. I came home on the bus with Jeremy and Colin.