Thursday, November 5, 1981


I had an appointment in the morning with the doctor about my right ear, which has been blocked since Saturday. The doctor sent me away with instructions to use ear drops; I went home and did some sketches for art before strolling in to school at a quarter-to-twelve. It was clear and sunny but bitterly cold.

I was greeted by anticipatory smiles; Slicer had absolutely roasted Jeremy for missing her lesson and I listened with a sickening feeling as I was told how she had threatened to take things further. I put on a brave face, and pretended I'd say something about her hapless teaching. I'd stand up to her!

When I finally saw her she was angry but she ended on a cold and resigned note, and even looked near to tears. She said the fault was as much hers as ours, that the lessons were turgid, and that she felt she wasn’t coping, etc. . . . “I think the first half-term was a disaster and we’d better start again.” She still seemed angry but it turned into more of a discussion about the drawbacks of English literature.

When I got back to the common room Claire seemed utterly remote. I felt so helpless.

The day ended in typical boredom and after Art, me and Lee tried to analyse our lethargy. We seem to be the only ones thinking on these lines. Are we just searching for excuses for our laziness? Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and feel so deadened by school work that I even wonder if there’s something wrong with me, but really I’m just a slob. Half-resolutions to turn over a new leaf--I have to change somehow and need a big new decisive change to get my mind and my body out of this huge rut I'm in, something as trivial as lopping off my hair, anything . . . I don't know. But it has all got to change, and soon.

Princess Diana is expecting a kid already. He didn’t waste much time. Royal battery hens, baby machines, etc.

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