Monday, August 30, 1982

Total bastard

At dinner time I complained that Robert hadn't paid me back for that book of Snyder poems I got him. Mum said that when he was here he'd commented on my thoughtlessness at not paying my way with drinks etc. when I was last at their house. She said this had upset them both.

I felt awful, really bad, and right now I can’t even write down how I did feel: just sick that I could be so thoughtless and that I'd upset them. What must they think of me?  I was calmly taking stock of conversations and people in the pub as material for my shitty scrawlings here and in the process being a Total Bastard. It just never even entered my head!

First Mum and then Dad gave me the usual talk about selflessness, saying if I'm like that at Uni “people will start to avoid you.” I was in a turmoil. How can I be so mindless? Why? I was close to tears by the time they finished. How can I make it up to Rob and Carol?

No wonder they’ve been a bit cool and off with me recently. And I thought it was tiredness. I think I’ll write and apologize.

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