Trap

Back at school. All my old feelings, dull rage at myself, people around me, my trap.

Then, surprise surprise, Andrew arrived, ladened with presents and LPs and full of the joys of Denmark's geniality, generosity and aggro free environment. He seems really sad to have left, and was almost in tears at teatime when he told us about his friends waving goodbye at the station.

In the evening, as he, Mum and I watched Top of The Pops, he told us what had happened, occasionally stopping as if embarrassed, or sitting with head in hands. He was staying with Sten Mortensen and had an affair with Sten's girlfriend Amalie. I could only listen completely amazed at the drama, like it was something out of fiction, and writing this I can't help but reduce it all to triviality, and I still don’t really comprehend. "Things snowballed" he said. "I couldn't stop them, and sometimes I'd tell her we couldn’t go on, that it must stop, but she said No and that it was too beautiful to end and we got really involved.”

He said he felt guilty and ashamed at the furtive way he was behaving, and was jealous of Sten. “I’ve never cried so much as over this.” But eventually Sten found a letter Amalie had written Andrew and so for the last fortnight things were a bit uncomfortable, Andrew writing letters of apology, Sten answering them coolly. "I don’t blame him.” It throws my infatuations into the correct perspective. He says he has a photo of her in his diary, but “I’ve just got to forget.” I have got to see this girl who loves Andrew!