Monday, April 20, 1981


Mum said I looked fed up and depressed yesterday: “the day before you looked on top of the world." We were supposed to be going to Robert’s but I just didn’t want to, and I suppose it was quite obvious why. The weather made me feel even worse, bright and sunny, just like Saturday. I desperately tried to think up an excuse. Mum and Dad didn’t want to go either.

I eventually stayed at home by myself; I felt really weird, a combination of boredom, frustration and desperate hope. I longed for the ‘phone to ring. It didn’t. So I stood in the kitchen doorway listening to the sounds of a sunny day, thinking 'Here I go again, wallowing in pointless self-pity'. The sunny evening made it worse, and I really wished I could go somewhere, with someone.

Dad rang at half-six to tell me he and Mum are staying over at Robert's. I feel rotten; lonely and hemmed in.

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