Wednesday, March 11, 1981

Impressions of M. Pseud

I got in late, missing assembly, and paced around the deserted common room until everyone came back up. Claire had brought in her camera and took a few photographs of everyone, including a big group of all the 6th years outside on the steps, but the general atmosphere was one of extreme boredom. Lee and I went to play darts, but Ingham caught us (“What on earth do you think you’re doing?”) and told me I had to go see the head. Thoughts rushed through my head. Was it about missing Art last night?

I got into Barkston’s office and he told me to pull up a chair and sit down. He asked me what I had in mind post ‘A’ levels and said, "Myself and the staff think you have talent, especially Mr. Ingham, who was very pleased with your last piece of work.” His general drift was that I should try for Oxford or Cambridge next year. He thumbed through The Compendium 1981-82 looking unsuccessfully for PPE courses. I told him that maybe I wanted to go into journalism, or maybe even actively participate in politics(!?). As I sat there awkwardly, I could see Jeremy and Lee out of the corner of my eye waving to me from across in the common room.

I got back feeling chuffed, but the atmosphere in the common room was still morose. Claire was quiet and everyone else just seemed fed up. They all seemed to know about me going to Claire's house yesterday, and I had to endure smirks and nudge-nudge comments. Slicer never turned up and Hirst was away too, so I didn’t have one lesson all day, and after school, a few of us stayed behind, supposedly for a vetting session for the school mag which quickly degenerated into gossip session. I really enjoyed it.

My evening was pathetic and pointless. I’ve felt so bloody insecure and unsure of myself today. Do I create the right impression? How do I appear to others? I hate it.

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