Thursday, November 27, 1980

Wednesday November 26th

I didn’t like today in a way because suddenly I’ve started to feel really inadequate. We were talking, as usual, in the library. Second period, Pearson, Hoy, Verity and me were alone in the library and we talked about Wendy Truswell and the new Maths teacher who go out together. Pearson also told us about an end of term party Gledhill held for his Biology group and how Truswell and Mr Armitage were found together in a darkened bedroom.

Suddenly, Duncan invented this thing, saying that I fancied Evelyn Aylott. I denied it strenuously, Claire saying to me “you’ve no need to be embarrassed,” making me fear that she believed him. She had also heard about this Susan Mathers thing in the third year (who hasn’t). Then Claire asked me, at point blank range, if I had ever been out with a girl. I lied of course and it must’ve showed for she said, I didn’t seem the type.

This left me feeling inadequate and a bit down. She told us about these lads they go around with, “you wouldn’t get on.” This didn’t help – we must be irreconcilable – we school lot and their socialites. I just generally hate me; my inability when confronted with girls. I just can’t help it – it’s so frustrating. Tongue-tied, swollen lipped and dry mouthed.

Fourth period was private study and in Hirst’s lesson I had my page preparations to do. I read out the necessarys right at the end of the lesson – it was hellish at first but halfway through it was OK.

After school I went up to the common room for the second meeting of the editorial committee – there were six of us, excluding Hirst; me, Lee, Jeremy, Richard, Rachel Johnson (5th), Andrew Boyd (5th), another fifth year lad (with glasses) and two other fifth year girls. It was another light-hearted meeting; we discussed all the printing problems (£400 for 500 copies) and drew up rough draughts of the daily notices, advertising both name and cover competitions, and giving publicity to the meetings.

Disquiet as I could see Blakey and Pearson drifting in and out of room in the distance.

I had to begin my “Antony and Cleopatra” scene summaries when I got home. Mum was in a stinking mood, because she was tired I think. Dad wasn’t too hot because he had neck ache. Thrilling evening!! I came to bed at ten and did my scene summaries up to Act 3 Scene 4 by midnight.

About all of the above – it is most likely being trivial and immature. I can’t help but feel jealous though. They don’t consider me or take me seriously – I’m so superficial with them – and out of school I’d be boring (in it I’m not much good). I’m being like Anne Elliot now, in her petty passions over Wentworth. I can’t help me!!

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